Yesterday I was chatting with a friend via Messenger, who happens to be a very experienced yoga therapist, about yoga things and she mentioned perhaps I should consider trying to take my work into some pretty well known yoga centers. My reaction was to pull back and my response was. “I guess I don't consider myself one of those big time teachers who can get into those kind of places.” Feelings of inadequacy in my abilities started to arise. I struggle with this on the regular even though I know I am fully capable to take on pretty much any task at hand if I put my mind to it, but still, it’s a struggle. Being a yoga teacher and now a yoga therapist means it’s just a fact of life I have to continue to allow myself to be vulnerable enough to put myself out there to help people who are struggling with sometimes serious and heavy issues, yet doing so without over extending and expending my energy reserves.
Being an experienced teacher and therapist she sensed exactly where I was coming from and replied...
“Sometimes we are so connected to what feels like our limits, that it is hard to imagine a readiness...OH YES.”
That really hit home with me, like really. I thought back to all of the hard stuff I had to do in the Army. Like joining and going off to boot camp in what seems like a lifetime ago, going off to war, being responsible for the training, health, welfare, of a hundred Soldiers, being accountable for tens of millions of dollars worth of property and equipment, being handed giant shit sandwiches tasks to "handle" and having no clue as where to start. I handled my duties each and every time, excelled even, but sometimes it feels like I was never completely ready for pretty much any of it when I embarked on whatever it was. It reminds me of when I used to race competitively; I put in the miles, the speed work, the long runs, the diet, and all the other things you need to do in order to be able to race well and cross the finish line respectably. I knew I’d done the work to prepare, but still, there’s that feeling that comes, and everyone can surely relate. Maybe it’s the night before the race. Maybe it’s when you lace up your shoes. Maybe it’s at mile 21.7. Maybe it’s when you stand up to give that big presentation. Maybe it's during final exams. It's THAT feeling when you sell yourself short and think you aren't ready for what lies ahead. You haven't studied enough, haven't researched enough, haven't put in enough time on the training or studying or whatever. There’s an inkling of doubt, that naysayer telling you you’re not worthy of your dreams or success. Times like these are when we tend to shrink, quit, make excuses, seek external validation to tell us we are good enough, etc. They are also when can choose to rise up and tackle whatever faces us to the best of our abilities and that's enough. Because it is. Enough. I love humor, and I think it’s something I need to gravitate to more often. I’m usually one to see the comedy in a situation or topic; I love laughing, but know when it's time for business. That said, I’m a forever funny finder in things and I hope that never changes. It’s served me well throughout my life; perhaps I need to remember that more often when I’m dealing with personal feelings of inadequacy, but I digress.
My friend went on...
“Rising above it works for me...meet the sense of inadequacy where it is; we don't have to live There.”
Okay...yeah...I like that. Basically it’s like “Hey there, Mr. NotGoodEnough, how the hell are you? Glad you could stop by for a chat, I’d love to hear what you have to say, let’s have some coffee and conversation, but then I gotta peace out because I have business to take care of. Cool? Cool.”
So I sat down to meditate this morning to have the coffee and conversation with whatever popped up. I lit the Palo Santo wood and settled in. Then I noticed my mudra book sitting to the left of my altar; it’s an amazing book by Joseph LePage I would highly recommend those interested in the healing properties of hand gestures. I turned it open to a random page and there is was...Vajra Mudra, which he tells us is primarily used to balance our third chakra - Manipura. Oh how familiar I am with this one, it’s what I struggled with through all those years tackling an eating disorder.
So I started to read the page and, well, here’s what the author tells us about Manipura Chakra:
“The main theme of the third chakra is clarifying our life purpose and manifesting it completely. When the third chakra is balanced, we find a natural harmony between our own needs and our ability to serve the community. When this chakra is out of balance, we may experience a lack of personal power and self-esteem and a subsequent decrease in motivation and energy. Third chakra imbalance can also manifest as an inflated sense of self and a need for success at all costs which is a reflection of a deep sense of insufficiency. Third chakra balance is supported by integrating its essential qualities, including inherent self-esteem, clear life purpose, determination, vitality, conscious action and conservation of energy, resulting in inner and outer harmony.”
Oh. Shit. Ouch.
So yeah, okay. I’ve found the root of the issue I began this blog with. I’ve indeed found my life’s purpose with being a yoga therapist, but I’m starting later in life than the masters have. So I’m dealing, again, with that sense of not feeling prepared, not being good enough, a bit of imposter syndrome if you will. Knowing what our issues are can be the most important step to growth, so yeah, let’s do this, Jeff. Let’s go help people and remember to keep finding the humor in everything. Ready or not...
References: Le Page, J., Le Page, L., Rezek, S., & Barbosa, C. (2013). Mudras (1st ed.). Sebastopol, California: Integrative Yoga Therapy.