Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Pfft! wow!

Recent events have made me dig pretty deep into myself and grab what I feel is real and at the very core of what makes me....Me.  I grit my teeth in angst about some actions I have been coerced into making, and have decidedly decided they are not the right way to go.  Being true to myself will always come first.  Jeff is not a fantastic person, but he is doing his damned hardest to be the perfect version of himself.  And with that I put on some Fiona... "Love Ridden" if you want to sing along at home, join me.  Other than that, not much I have to say in this forum right now.  

Thursday, May 26, 2011

Quit trying to get somewhere else, you are already there...

     It's probably quite obvious to most, and certainly to me at this point, that most people, myself greatly included in "most", tend to have an ever present desire to get on to what's next, and even the "after next", and so forth.  I certainly do try to make the most of now, but typically find myself, often, thinking about a place that I'm not at, or people I am not around.  Time is quite a haunting reminder that we're all heading towards our own patch of grass somewhere...

     For the most part I spend most of my time alone, totally true, as I am sure many of you do as well.  (whomever You is, because I really don't think too many read this, but that's sorta the point) Quite frankly, I tend to get antsy when cramped in situations for too long.  It's rare that Jeff finds a comfort zone in a situation that I don't want to move on from.  I am down with being down, but people, and their drama and blatant issues become heavy, heavy I tell ya.   Whatever my public persona is, I have no clue, well, not true, I do know what people have told me they think about me and that is that more than a few think "Dude" when Jeff comes to mind.  Have even had women nickname me "Dude"  That's all fine and cool, but I know hundreds of those guys, so I guess I really am no different.  What a relief, no standard to uphold....Phwew!!! Time to move back to California, bleach my hair, grow it long, and spend out the rest of my days smelling like saltwater...

      So, "getting there"... Where is IT, really?  You know what, I laughed today, hard!  That's a good thing.  I didn't cry, that's also a good thing.  I woke up in my own bed, in my own house, and came home to the same place still intact, untouched by criminals, nature, a toilet paper mob, or any of the sort.  I guess that's quite awesome in its' own respect.  I do not desire to get anywhere ((other than the North Shore in Hawaii, and that's my token tap out destination dammit)).  I am definitely not going to drastically change in this life, but I can moderately change, as can we all.  Motivation is key, and that in itself is a curious little bastard.  M-O-T-I-V-A-T-I-O-N....  Starts out with the word More, but cuts off...blurts out the Italian word for YOU, heads my way with a Virginia abbreviation, and then ends it all with TION, greatly hinting at doing... ((action)).  So I take that word this evening as "You need to do more in Virginia"  Okay, I got it... Jeez!  ;)  Motivation is the key to every action, period.  Finding it is an elusive target for sure.  Once found, it's easier to hang on to, but on the flipside, it can also be a tough sonovvabitch to let go of once the motivation continues.  I vow therefore to make my best attempt at doing a better job at letting go and allowing life to drive around a bit more. 

:) Born

Sunday, May 22, 2011

To Do is to Be. Or in other words, if it barks like a dog it probably is

There are things that happen along the way that cause me to scratch my head in wonder.  I wonder what makes any of us tick the tock we each ‘choose’ to tick.  I am old enough that I have pretty much figured out what I will do when put in a number of situations.  I know for instance, that if I am in a situation where hard work (the manual labor type) is required, I will embrace the grit n grime and worry about my dirt encrusted skin covered in sweat later on.  If I want to do it, I will, if not, I won’t.  Peer pressure makes for an uncomfortable thorn at times, but I am slowly learning to piss on that fire as well.
I do most assuredly know that a body in motion is as powerful as one at rest.  When I say that I mean, there have been times in my life when I was running 70 miles a week, and missing a day was “bad”.  Seriously, I used to workout six days a week, twice a day.  Bike, run, swim, lift, race, repeat...  Was in killer shape, but that pretty much was my life.  On the flip side there have also been times when I haven’t had the motivation to do dick for eight months at a time, such as was the case recently. Other than taking part in the ‘running’ part of my beer drinking club or lifting luggage on the many trips I’ve been on in the past year, I have been a lazy fuck. Thank God for the monthly credit card charges that kept appearing on my statement for a gym membership I wasn’t using.  It’s not the money wasted that motivated me; it’s the fact that, quite simply, I love doing, looking, and feeling ~ DLF  (my replacement for the , sorry folks, dumb slogan of GTL).

Doing ~ I embrace the pain that comes with pushing myself.
Looking ~ Yes there is a dose of healthy vanity in me, and
Feeling ~ cause I want to feel good everyday.  That means, my body doesn’t continually remind me of being in pain.  Exercise does this, get on the train dammit!!  I. DO. NOT. WANT. TO. hurt everyday.  I’m a physical sorta guy, and appreciate those things.  

I know being a repeat offender into the world of motion is the hardest part about taking on anything, whether it is getting in the ‘habit’ of hitting the pool, treadmill, weights, or a yoga class. 

I also know that getting in the habit of doing the opposite - nothing - is also difficult (for people like me and many people I know)

Quite simply, and so I don’t bore the shit out of you more....The transition to “Being” is the most difficult part.  Once you get in the habit it’s sooo much easier to keep at it.  Get there and hold on tight bitches, it’s going to be a rough ride sometimes.

Talk about rough rides...Cigarettes were the hardest ‘physical’ crutch for me to ditch, but there are physiological aspects to that requiring a pretty strong will to overcome.  Thank God I didn’t lean on that habit for very long anyway.

People surprise me all the time, back to the scratch reference above.  Social networking has really done a number on society I tell ya.  That, combined with dating websites, texting, email, and God forbid, actually calling someone *shuuuut up* it seems pretty easy for us to wear a “digital mask” (another copyright) when portraying our persona's to the general public.  Ever have a Facebook friend you’ve not really spent much time around before?  Sure, ya have! Here’s how the story goes.  Out hanging with a friend, or at a _________ (fill in the blank) and you get home only to find a friend request from a ‘friend’ of a friend.  Not wanting to be harsh, rather than ignoring the request you ‘accept’ that person, giving them a sweet seat in the front row of your digital performance.  blah blah blah, time goes on, lots of FB chatter between you two and at the end of the day the time comes around again where you meet in person again.   I’ve had this happen in the past where I have experienced such phenom. I have been out at the beer drinking club (with a mild running disorder) events and the person who was so digitally verbose, and blessed with the gift of gab n funny online was sorta plain boring (at least to me) in person.  No big deal, just an observation.  I am true to myself always, and for the most part think I do a pretty damned good job.  I am digitally verbose with all sorts of crude humor, and ya know what, I’m that way in person as well.  Yes folks, Jeff cusses way too much and is pretty funny if you care to peel back a layer or two.  For the record, I actually do say “awesome” a lot in person.  Here’s the bonus, at least around me you get to experience how fabulous I smell on top of being woo’d by my jokes.  Yeah, I just said that... haha!!! 

All for now, thanks for reading

Born :)

Friday, May 20, 2011

Like it or not, we are all alone

Here's a novel idea...  start writing with a P.S.  "Prescript" 
P.S. I still have the dream of living on the North Shore in Hawaii renting out surfboards.  Anyone else down with this sorta thing?

To put perspective into something, not that I can, but I've been living in a hotel for a week now and would so love if the people paid to do so would vacuum the floor in my room... they are pretty damned good at throwing tip envelops all around my room though.  Perhaps I outta fill one with Chex Mix crumbs....Thinking the Holiday Inn Express is a term the housekeeping staff takes to heart.  They seem to expressly take a holiday in my room when cleaning... but I digress...
I am sitting here in Minnesota thinking I need to write something, thoughts of many things, but mostly about where I am (in life), and the here and now... Great Chemical Brothers Song BTW. So, I will jam to it, type whatever I feel, likely be nonsensical and surely repel potential readers.  All good, this is an outlet for me when I have few. 
It's May 2011, I have been divorced, essentially since February 2007 and have been for the most part  single (no GF)  for a year now.  Dated a few women since, but nothing has materialized largely due to "WTF woman!"  Quite honestly I think there has been a bit of realizing on their part at some point that 1. "Jeff can see through my bullshit" and 2. "I  need to go after more shallow guys that match my depth"  
Nonetheless, It's been a healthy thing for me.  Thank you to those good friends who have helped me realize a lot about myself, learn to admit it, and move on...
My current stage is definitely "something" and I have learned to let go of the helm to pretty much let things take me where they will.... to a point...
Have always had a pathetic tendency to be drawn to the need for a relationship, to make me feel complete, happy, a part of something or worth something... Yeah, pathetic.  These days I have realized this, and as far as needing another to "complete" me... bottom-line, not necessary, I'm good.  I don't know all the answers, but also don't care.  At this point in my life I am fulfilled in the person that I am, (or am I just saying that to make myself think I'm okay)  Who the hell knows... Having a great time, and if you are reading this I'd say you are on your own journey and am smiling that both of ours met in some way, whatever small, to contribute to both of our futures.  

I have met some wonderfully awesome people lately and I am very excited about life and the potential for... dare I say it....

That said, Orbital jamming now and although I beat myself up a lot, should chill on the Jeff bashing. That said....I need to improve so much.  I smile and definitely tip the bottle more than is "proper". I  laugh plenty, perhaps too often.  But, But, and I say again BUT, that's probably not a bad thing at times, and am feeling it's good to do so more often as I age.  People tend to get too much "stick up their ass" as they tag on the years.  Jeff?...not doing it, no sir, no way!!  I would rather be that immature fun seeking silly guy that is tipsy more than is kosher than lose my wanderlust and perpetual desire to laugh, make others laugh, or at least crack a smile.  I am totally not sure of what the future holds, but neither is anyone else.  
There are no guarantees in life other than gravity will attempt to pull you down, and a strong character will pull you up.  I say...Kiss my ass gravity!!! 
Right here, right now....  

One Love

Monday, May 16, 2011

Things become a habit after how many times?

I would really dig doing this blog thing right, and in a way that only I can perceive to be such, and will succeed.  I thrive on talking "WITH" people (think about that one for a bit... Do you say "I'll talk to you later"?????  Wrong.  Talking TO someone is a one way conversation.  Talk WITH people.  Hence why I always say... "I'll talk with you ______  (fill in the blank)"
Pointed out, and I am flirting with the idea that I tend to find myself continuously attempting to impart too much knowledge, experience, information, or combination of the three, on others.  Sometimes, well, often, the response is less than accepting, which means I should strive to impart less, shut up more, and jam out to Lady GaGa at an interval more than I do now.  I want your psycho and I don't want to be friends.  Expectations are Zero for this, so that's good, I can achieve that.

Sunday, May 15, 2011

Giving this a go

I sit here and begin the journey of a million characters.  I have come to the point of needing to write, I mean WRITE, without too many cares about being politically correct or giving a shit about sensitivity.  I have been too worried/concerned/giving a shit about things I say and do too much in the past, but have the intent of putting my thoughts here that won't be succumbed by brutal scrutiny.  If you like it, fine, if you don't, that's also fine.  Read it or not, I am writing for me.  I am going to write the things I feel, see, do, touch, taste, smell, hear and experience.  I am going to write about the feelings in my heart and share with "you" the thoughts and emotions I have.  At times I will be very shallow...am pretty good at that.  At other times I will be deep (let me know if you want more and I will deliver), and at other times I will be the voice of reason, optimism, or caution that the situtation at hand dictates.  I start this over the unrequested, and totally unrequited influence of one whom is both brilliant and seemingly happily endlessly tormented at the same time.  To you, my "friend", I wish well and am sorry our paths only crossed in terms unfitting for our true colors.  To put it bluntly, you fucked up and missed out... You aren't that brilliant after all I guess.

So here I go.
Born :)