Thursday, December 29, 2011

Your NOW was born of your will be

So, this morning I started reading "Meditations from the Mat" by Rolf Gates.  It's the start of a journey into Yoga I am so ready for.  For those who don't know, the book is broken up into very short 'chapters' that enable the reader to start and complete reading in about five minutes each morning.  I grabbed the book immediately after waking up, and although at first I could barely focus my eyes on the words, within a few minutes I was able to read and absorb the the intended meaning, or at least the meaning intended for Jeff to give himself today.  I'll pass a brief 'get to the point' synopsis of the analogy relayed.  Dorothy could have passed up all the drama and been back home really easy. It was all right there inside her the whole time.  
Thank you Rolf! Want the book?

Right now, we have it all.  You, them, Dorothy and friends, me, all of us.  We have everything we need inside of us to be anything we were born with the potential to be.  Many of us are limited by physical or mental ailments, but the same applies ~ You have it all.  You are living the right now you have sought after your whole life.  It is probably nothing like you'd imagined, even as little as a year ago, but it's true, and read this carefully.... Your now is a result of your before now.  Your reply might be "Well No Sh#t, Jeff!" But I think we really don't let ourselves ponder about this as much as we ought to.  We are all living for something, even if it's that vacation to the Seychelles you've dreamed of (and if you're going and have an extra ticket I'm totally game... *wink wink*), a nice retirement in a log cabin for which you've saved and planned for your whole life, or simply to just be happy right where you are right now...You owe it to yourself to honor the beauty of the past by living as a shining example of that right now.

A man by the name of Bob Marley once sang this "When one door is closed, don't you know another is open." It's true.  We often spend quite a bit of time sobbing over closed doors, failing to accept and embrace that open door right in front of us.  Love your past and take the beauty of it with you on your journey, letting go of things that don't get you to that tomorrow you dream of.  As one of my beloved Yoga teachers says quite often "energize what you must, soften where you can"

I'm trying, for the love of Bob Marley I'm trying.

Saturday, December 24, 2011

Pajama Bottoms and Life Experiences

Much has happened in my life since last posting here. So much, yet not a lot.  Most recently, and I boldly say the most notably epic to me is that I’ve started doing yoga, the hot style to be more specific.  It’s quite simply without a doubt the most satisfying form of exercise, which is really not a very descriptive term for it.  To say what yoga is to me is to get a pretty long “got a minute” type of thing, and we’ll get back to that.

It’s Christmas eve and I’m sitting here at home.  Put on the movie The Tree of Life with Brad Pitt and Sean Penn.  It held my attention for about 30 minutes, and although cinematically and emphatically gorgeous to the eyes, it just wasn’t doing it for me.  the opening five minutes were probably the best, especially the dialogue on the contrast between “Grace and Nature”  Grace is soft, it forgives, it’s loving and caring, always compassionate.  Nature is hard, brash, unforgiving, unkind and uncaring.  The movie takes on an almost mystical approach, and will certainly appeal to the feeling types.

On Christmas... Briefly, the coolest thing I saw today, perhaps, was at a local theater, The Naro Expanded, which consequently has a video store of the same name next door where I rented that flick.  I also rented Bad Teacher, which I’m sure will be quite less taxing to figure out.  This theater, for those who have not heard of it, is probably one of the coolest things in downtown Norfolk.  Totally vintage place.  Since I love to support local, here’s a link for those who may have an interest.  So anyway, if you saw the photo accompanying this post you probably noticed the movie line up.  The coolest thing I saw today were people going into the Naro with Pajama bottoms on to watch Christmas Story and It’s a Wonderful Life. If that doesn’t make you smile then I don’t know what to say, but that is one awesome tradition you’d be hard pressed to replicate in much of the world these days. 

When I’ve been out and about, for at least the past week, people have been asking me “Are you all ready for Christmas?”  and for the most part, now that I think about it more, seem to have placed emphasis on “all”... like there is some kind of “getting ready” state that one can be “all”.  All is overrated, but that’s another thought, for another blog, for another time.  My reply to the aforementioned question has mostly gone down about like this. 

Them:  “So, you all ready for Christmas?” 
Jeff: *smiles, shrugs shoulders and casts eyes up and to the side* “Yeah, I am” 

For one, what people most often tie to this question is an implication of a responsibility to purchase things for other people, because we all know that buying things for others to open up on Christmas is what the spirit is all about.  I think we’ve equated so much to “being ready for Christmas” that we don’t truly enjoy the process.  (that’s basically an analogy to life, btw) Let me tell you, there is no “be there” state, no finish line, no magic land of readiness that will suddenly find it’s way to you.  And you may celebrate Hanukkah, waking up in your own bed, or something else, or nothing for that matter, but the “being ready for” concept is a myth in my mind.  Nobody is ever ready for anything in their mind, but will probably be able to pull pretty much anything off once in the midst of execution mode.  Hence why people do better often times when cramming for a test, or when put under the wire to meet a deadline, or to shred 500 lbs. of documents when the feds are closing in...too much to do and not enough time.  So yeah, I’m ready, bring it.

So, back to Yoga.  If you have experienced it and walked away from it I think I’m safe to say you didn’t experience it.  I have been into a lot of things in my life, from stamp, baseball card, and rock collecting (1st place at the 2nd grade science fair, baby), to cycling, scuba diving, swimming, wrecking sentences with too many parenthesis, quote marks and ...‘s, traveling, photography, cars, running (A LOT), music, writing (believe it or not I was a sports writer for my hometown newspaper for a while after high school), and the list goes on and on, as I’m sure does your list.  Given all the things I'm into, and have been into,  I can definitely state quite certainly there has never been anything that has completely enamored me as much as Yoga. Yes, I’m a spiritual, but not religious guy, as in the going to church religious types, so that may help. 

Yoga in a nutshell, let me try to make this as clear and concise as possible.
Physical: Have you seen the physiques of people who do a lot of yoga?  I rest my case.
Psychological: Ever hear of a Yogi serial killer?
Emotional: There is no judging in yoga, no prize, no contest.  You are the definer of your own practice.  You are not coached or trained, you are guided.  It’s your path, and that path is unique and perfect, for you. 

So yeah, I guess that’s about it for now, but I’m totally remembering that going to the movies on Christmas eve in pajamas thing, that’s just awesome.

One Love

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

To write until I feel like writing...

I haven't felt much like writing here lately, but that's perhaps a reason I need to just start typing and see what comes out.
I have noticed that some of life's smallest, seemingly harmless words are actually some of the largest, most complex we will face in life, and often times exceed our capability to define.

Example, and here's one of the biggest 'little' words...  if

if - a small, seemingly insignificant, simple word, but infinitely full of meaning...if is the stuff dreams are made of.  As Robert Smith sang it..."There is no if, just when..." (Off of one of my top five albums of all time BTW, Bloodflowers)
If drives us in so many directions.  If I do, if I don't... two quite different outcomes in most cases.  If you do, or don't, over and over, eventually you will get to someplace you may or may have not wanted to be.  If I express my feelings about/for you it may come back to bite my ass, but if I don't, although I remain 'safe', I may never have the closeness with you the would have otherwise been possible... if only, if...  I have learned to shun the fear of worrying about the if, and tend to just throw it out there.  Afterall, what do I have to lose, really?  What do you have to lose, other than potential for things you have only dreamed of.  give it a try, go after your 'if'

Try -  Ah, to try.  Yes, you can do it put your back into it... as Ice Cube put it on wax back in the day...  The word try is almost a back handed compliment, of sorts.  Hey, can you come out to my party next week?  Oh, that sounds awesome, I'll check my schedule and try to make it....  What that really means is, eh, I really am not interested.  Try, such a tauntress, that word is.

Do - I guess do can be a tricky word... we often say I'm going to 'do' this, but that's really often nothing, or quite short of what others' ideas of do-ing are.  Do is vitally important in the grand scheme of things... much more important than 'say'  One of my favorite quotes comes to mind.  (and this is framed on my nightstand) "What you do speaks so loud that I cannot hear what you say." Do, or not...

Fair - What is fair?  I probably can't say it any better than The Cure did...

The world is neither fair nor unfair
The idea is just a way for us to understand
But the world is neither fair nor unfair
So one survives
The others die
And you always want a reason why

But the world is neither just nor unjust
It's just us trying to feel that there's some sense in it
No, the world is neither just nor unjust
And though going young
So much undone
Is a tragedy for everyone

It doesn't speak a plan or any secret thing
No unseen sign or untold truth in anything...
But living on in others, in memories and dreams
Is not enough
You want everything
Another world where the sun always shines
And the birds always sing
Always sing...

It doesn't mean there has to be a way of things
No special sense that hidden hands are pulling strings
But living on in others, in memories and dreams
Is not enough
And it never is
You always want so much more than this...

An endless sense of soul and an eternity of love
A sweet mother down below and a just father above
For living on in others, in memories and dreams
Is not enough
You want everything
Another world
Where the birds always sing
Another world
Where the sun always shines
Another world
Where nothing ever dies...
~ now that's some good Robert Smith shit... (The Birds Always Sing)

Funny, now I am thinking of a whole other post I should write about blowing off people that we've made to feel like we care about them.  Rampant in our society with the inundation of texting and social media status updates, emails, etc...  But for those 'few' that we've all thought really do care...that shit rings true.  I have no time for fake, selfish, passive aggressive, patronizing or fearful people.  BE THE PERSON YOU PORTRAY TO THIS WORLD.  BE LIKE THE PEOPLE YOU WANT AROUND YOU. COMPLAIN NOT WHEN THOSE TWO DON'T CONVERGE.

More later, bye, love you!


Wednesday, June 8, 2011

I probably need to say something, but maybe, not...

I hesitate to write, but that means I probably should.  Random stuff comes out when I do, but that's not necessarily a bad thing...I think.  It's been a pretty interesting, yet random month.  Have learned quite a bit about people and the pettiness of the web that exists outside of the internet.  Admittedly, the internet easily will overwhelm even the most socially "responsible' person, often to a fault, but it's there, it's staying, and it's beautiful. 
Seems Jeff (me) can do no right by many, but I think we are plagued with the shallow of sight.  Continuously criticized, and even pointedly used as an outlet for others' drama and discontent with their own lives... Yes, I feel it necessary to point out that 1), I am happy, 2) I am happy, and 3) Fuck you.  

The thing that truly saddens me at this point in my life isn't the Japan earthquake, the starvation in Africa, the flooding in the South... it is that I am not 'connected' to anyone.  I desire to be, and am always (to a fault and suicidal at times) throwing myself out there, but it tends to not work as well as I would have anticipated prior to.  Tough shit, Jeff.  People don't really give a shit outside of their world anyway.  Yes, I said it.  Japan got slammed, yes, but do I need to send them money?  No, I think not.  Our own government screws us enough to the point that we probably outta work on fixing the earthquake in our own borders.   My home has dropped over 20K in value in the past couple years, effectively preventing me from selling it. My vehicles are taxed on money that has already been taxed, but alas, I should send money to Japan...  Yeah, I own a Toyota, which means I already did.  

Anyway, enough with the bitching rant I was on.... Ugh, what a negative pile of crap I just spouted!!

Summer is here, which means longer days, less clothing, and the smiles that come from relaxing in front of the firepit, or out in the garage with the cars, dart board, and a replica Waterman's ring/hook game... with either Bob Marley, Fiona Apple, or Thievery Corporation (+ infinite others) tunes jamming.   I love doing that with friends... Yeah, c'mon and make some memories with me...

Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Pfft! wow!

Recent events have made me dig pretty deep into myself and grab what I feel is real and at the very core of what makes me....Me.  I grit my teeth in angst about some actions I have been coerced into making, and have decidedly decided they are not the right way to go.  Being true to myself will always come first.  Jeff is not a fantastic person, but he is doing his damned hardest to be the perfect version of himself.  And with that I put on some Fiona... "Love Ridden" if you want to sing along at home, join me.  Other than that, not much I have to say in this forum right now.  

Thursday, May 26, 2011

Quit trying to get somewhere else, you are already there...

     It's probably quite obvious to most, and certainly to me at this point, that most people, myself greatly included in "most", tend to have an ever present desire to get on to what's next, and even the "after next", and so forth.  I certainly do try to make the most of now, but typically find myself, often, thinking about a place that I'm not at, or people I am not around.  Time is quite a haunting reminder that we're all heading towards our own patch of grass somewhere...

     For the most part I spend most of my time alone, totally true, as I am sure many of you do as well.  (whomever You is, because I really don't think too many read this, but that's sorta the point) Quite frankly, I tend to get antsy when cramped in situations for too long.  It's rare that Jeff finds a comfort zone in a situation that I don't want to move on from.  I am down with being down, but people, and their drama and blatant issues become heavy, heavy I tell ya.   Whatever my public persona is, I have no clue, well, not true, I do know what people have told me they think about me and that is that more than a few think "Dude" when Jeff comes to mind.  Have even had women nickname me "Dude"  That's all fine and cool, but I know hundreds of those guys, so I guess I really am no different.  What a relief, no standard to uphold....Phwew!!! Time to move back to California, bleach my hair, grow it long, and spend out the rest of my days smelling like saltwater...

      So, "getting there"... Where is IT, really?  You know what, I laughed today, hard!  That's a good thing.  I didn't cry, that's also a good thing.  I woke up in my own bed, in my own house, and came home to the same place still intact, untouched by criminals, nature, a toilet paper mob, or any of the sort.  I guess that's quite awesome in its' own respect.  I do not desire to get anywhere ((other than the North Shore in Hawaii, and that's my token tap out destination dammit)).  I am definitely not going to drastically change in this life, but I can moderately change, as can we all.  Motivation is key, and that in itself is a curious little bastard.  M-O-T-I-V-A-T-I-O-N....  Starts out with the word More, but cuts off...blurts out the Italian word for YOU, heads my way with a Virginia abbreviation, and then ends it all with TION, greatly hinting at doing... ((action)).  So I take that word this evening as "You need to do more in Virginia"  Okay, I got it... Jeez!  ;)  Motivation is the key to every action, period.  Finding it is an elusive target for sure.  Once found, it's easier to hang on to, but on the flipside, it can also be a tough sonovvabitch to let go of once the motivation continues.  I vow therefore to make my best attempt at doing a better job at letting go and allowing life to drive around a bit more. 

:) Born

Sunday, May 22, 2011

To Do is to Be. Or in other words, if it barks like a dog it probably is

There are things that happen along the way that cause me to scratch my head in wonder.  I wonder what makes any of us tick the tock we each ‘choose’ to tick.  I am old enough that I have pretty much figured out what I will do when put in a number of situations.  I know for instance, that if I am in a situation where hard work (the manual labor type) is required, I will embrace the grit n grime and worry about my dirt encrusted skin covered in sweat later on.  If I want to do it, I will, if not, I won’t.  Peer pressure makes for an uncomfortable thorn at times, but I am slowly learning to piss on that fire as well.
I do most assuredly know that a body in motion is as powerful as one at rest.  When I say that I mean, there have been times in my life when I was running 70 miles a week, and missing a day was “bad”.  Seriously, I used to workout six days a week, twice a day.  Bike, run, swim, lift, race, repeat...  Was in killer shape, but that pretty much was my life.  On the flip side there have also been times when I haven’t had the motivation to do dick for eight months at a time, such as was the case recently. Other than taking part in the ‘running’ part of my beer drinking club or lifting luggage on the many trips I’ve been on in the past year, I have been a lazy fuck. Thank God for the monthly credit card charges that kept appearing on my statement for a gym membership I wasn’t using.  It’s not the money wasted that motivated me; it’s the fact that, quite simply, I love doing, looking, and feeling ~ DLF  (my replacement for the , sorry folks, dumb slogan of GTL).

Doing ~ I embrace the pain that comes with pushing myself.
Looking ~ Yes there is a dose of healthy vanity in me, and
Feeling ~ cause I want to feel good everyday.  That means, my body doesn’t continually remind me of being in pain.  Exercise does this, get on the train dammit!!  I. DO. NOT. WANT. TO. hurt everyday.  I’m a physical sorta guy, and appreciate those things.  

I know being a repeat offender into the world of motion is the hardest part about taking on anything, whether it is getting in the ‘habit’ of hitting the pool, treadmill, weights, or a yoga class. 

I also know that getting in the habit of doing the opposite - nothing - is also difficult (for people like me and many people I know)

Quite simply, and so I don’t bore the shit out of you more....The transition to “Being” is the most difficult part.  Once you get in the habit it’s sooo much easier to keep at it.  Get there and hold on tight bitches, it’s going to be a rough ride sometimes.

Talk about rough rides...Cigarettes were the hardest ‘physical’ crutch for me to ditch, but there are physiological aspects to that requiring a pretty strong will to overcome.  Thank God I didn’t lean on that habit for very long anyway.

People surprise me all the time, back to the scratch reference above.  Social networking has really done a number on society I tell ya.  That, combined with dating websites, texting, email, and God forbid, actually calling someone *shuuuut up* it seems pretty easy for us to wear a “digital mask” (another copyright) when portraying our persona's to the general public.  Ever have a Facebook friend you’ve not really spent much time around before?  Sure, ya have! Here’s how the story goes.  Out hanging with a friend, or at a _________ (fill in the blank) and you get home only to find a friend request from a ‘friend’ of a friend.  Not wanting to be harsh, rather than ignoring the request you ‘accept’ that person, giving them a sweet seat in the front row of your digital performance.  blah blah blah, time goes on, lots of FB chatter between you two and at the end of the day the time comes around again where you meet in person again.   I’ve had this happen in the past where I have experienced such phenom. I have been out at the beer drinking club (with a mild running disorder) events and the person who was so digitally verbose, and blessed with the gift of gab n funny online was sorta plain boring (at least to me) in person.  No big deal, just an observation.  I am true to myself always, and for the most part think I do a pretty damned good job.  I am digitally verbose with all sorts of crude humor, and ya know what, I’m that way in person as well.  Yes folks, Jeff cusses way too much and is pretty funny if you care to peel back a layer or two.  For the record, I actually do say “awesome” a lot in person.  Here’s the bonus, at least around me you get to experience how fabulous I smell on top of being woo’d by my jokes.  Yeah, I just said that... haha!!! 

All for now, thanks for reading

Born :)

Friday, May 20, 2011

Like it or not, we are all alone

Here's a novel idea...  start writing with a P.S.  "Prescript" 
P.S. I still have the dream of living on the North Shore in Hawaii renting out surfboards.  Anyone else down with this sorta thing?

To put perspective into something, not that I can, but I've been living in a hotel for a week now and would so love if the people paid to do so would vacuum the floor in my room... they are pretty damned good at throwing tip envelops all around my room though.  Perhaps I outta fill one with Chex Mix crumbs....Thinking the Holiday Inn Express is a term the housekeeping staff takes to heart.  They seem to expressly take a holiday in my room when cleaning... but I digress...
I am sitting here in Minnesota thinking I need to write something, thoughts of many things, but mostly about where I am (in life), and the here and now... Great Chemical Brothers Song BTW. So, I will jam to it, type whatever I feel, likely be nonsensical and surely repel potential readers.  All good, this is an outlet for me when I have few. 
It's May 2011, I have been divorced, essentially since February 2007 and have been for the most part  single (no GF)  for a year now.  Dated a few women since, but nothing has materialized largely due to "WTF woman!"  Quite honestly I think there has been a bit of realizing on their part at some point that 1. "Jeff can see through my bullshit" and 2. "I  need to go after more shallow guys that match my depth"  
Nonetheless, It's been a healthy thing for me.  Thank you to those good friends who have helped me realize a lot about myself, learn to admit it, and move on...
My current stage is definitely "something" and I have learned to let go of the helm to pretty much let things take me where they will.... to a point...
Have always had a pathetic tendency to be drawn to the need for a relationship, to make me feel complete, happy, a part of something or worth something... Yeah, pathetic.  These days I have realized this, and as far as needing another to "complete" me... bottom-line, not necessary, I'm good.  I don't know all the answers, but also don't care.  At this point in my life I am fulfilled in the person that I am, (or am I just saying that to make myself think I'm okay)  Who the hell knows... Having a great time, and if you are reading this I'd say you are on your own journey and am smiling that both of ours met in some way, whatever small, to contribute to both of our futures.  

I have met some wonderfully awesome people lately and I am very excited about life and the potential for... dare I say it....

That said, Orbital jamming now and although I beat myself up a lot, should chill on the Jeff bashing. That said....I need to improve so much.  I smile and definitely tip the bottle more than is "proper". I  laugh plenty, perhaps too often.  But, But, and I say again BUT, that's probably not a bad thing at times, and am feeling it's good to do so more often as I age.  People tend to get too much "stick up their ass" as they tag on the years.  Jeff?...not doing it, no sir, no way!!  I would rather be that immature fun seeking silly guy that is tipsy more than is kosher than lose my wanderlust and perpetual desire to laugh, make others laugh, or at least crack a smile.  I am totally not sure of what the future holds, but neither is anyone else.  
There are no guarantees in life other than gravity will attempt to pull you down, and a strong character will pull you up.  I say...Kiss my ass gravity!!! 
Right here, right now....  

One Love

Monday, May 16, 2011

Things become a habit after how many times?

I would really dig doing this blog thing right, and in a way that only I can perceive to be such, and will succeed.  I thrive on talking "WITH" people (think about that one for a bit... Do you say "I'll talk to you later"?????  Wrong.  Talking TO someone is a one way conversation.  Talk WITH people.  Hence why I always say... "I'll talk with you ______  (fill in the blank)"
Pointed out, and I am flirting with the idea that I tend to find myself continuously attempting to impart too much knowledge, experience, information, or combination of the three, on others.  Sometimes, well, often, the response is less than accepting, which means I should strive to impart less, shut up more, and jam out to Lady GaGa at an interval more than I do now.  I want your psycho and I don't want to be friends.  Expectations are Zero for this, so that's good, I can achieve that.

Sunday, May 15, 2011

Giving this a go

I sit here and begin the journey of a million characters.  I have come to the point of needing to write, I mean WRITE, without too many cares about being politically correct or giving a shit about sensitivity.  I have been too worried/concerned/giving a shit about things I say and do too much in the past, but have the intent of putting my thoughts here that won't be succumbed by brutal scrutiny.  If you like it, fine, if you don't, that's also fine.  Read it or not, I am writing for me.  I am going to write the things I feel, see, do, touch, taste, smell, hear and experience.  I am going to write about the feelings in my heart and share with "you" the thoughts and emotions I have.  At times I will be very pretty good at that.  At other times I will be deep (let me know if you want more and I will deliver), and at other times I will be the voice of reason, optimism, or caution that the situtation at hand dictates.  I start this over the unrequested, and totally unrequited influence of one whom is both brilliant and seemingly happily endlessly tormented at the same time.  To you, my "friend", I wish well and am sorry our paths only crossed in terms unfitting for our true colors.  To put it bluntly, you fucked up and missed out... You aren't that brilliant after all I guess.

So here I go.
Born :)